![]() #148: What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it. #144: If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. #143: Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship. #116: I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. #115: If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic. Then, at the very end, there's a page that can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. ![]() And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. #101: I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. " What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate works-"mank" and " ind. #98: Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. #81: If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. #70: Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. #33: The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. #31: Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. #2: If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.#1: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. ![]() But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.Īnd my favorite, which I printed and taped to my wall while in middle school: “Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. Then start an argument with him about who’s going to go get help. Here are a few of my favorites for your enjoyment and/or disapproval.Ī funny thing to do is, if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Maybe nothing expresses my interest in low brow dark humor quite so well as Jack Handey and his Deep Thoughts. I like to think of myself as a mixture of high brow and low brow, of deep compassion and dark humor. ![]()
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